One of my biggest struggles in life has to do with food. I'm not sure writing about this tonight is necessarily a good idea. I desire good health and I just took a cake out of the oven. Granted, I'm giving a lot of it away to friends, but most likely will eat a couple pieces of it.
I've decided to blog about this struggle because I know this is something a lot of women struggle with. But also a way for me to be honest with myself and to tell my journey.
I grew up as a pudgy girl. That carried through high school, college and most of my 20's. I did not have a good image of myself and felt that others defined me based on my weight. After college, I lost a bit of weight over the years, but struggled to get to a healthy weight. When I was 28, I joined Weight Watchers (WW) and lost a bunch of weight. When I finally got down to a healthy weight (in combination with what I lost before WW) I lost nearly 100 lbs. I was so excited!! I was in clothes that I never thought I'd wear. I could go into a store, hold up a shirt and think "yup, that'll fit" and not try it on until I got home. I felt on top of the world.
I kept the weight off for a few years, then one summer I developed this strange "I deserve it" or "it won't hurt" attitude and ate things I didn't eat much while I was losing the weight. Well, I'm guessing you can imagine what happened. Yup, I gained weight. I slowly gained 20 lbs and of course, as the nature of the beast goes, was discouraged with every pound I gained and turned to food. So, why on earth why didn't I try to get it off instead? Well......
Here's the thing. When I lost all the weight, yeah I felt great and liked smaller clothes. I saw the size I was wearing and knew the number was a lot smaller than what I had been wearing all my life. BUT when I looked in the mirror, I couldn't see the change. I still felt pudgy....even though I wasn't. Figure that one out? I don't get it either.
I didn't realize that I was smaller until I gained the 20 lbs and looked at my smaller clothes. I would hold up a shirt or pants and think "I fit into that!"
For almost 3 years I've struggled to get the weight off. I've struggled, because I've felt like a failure and have been so discouraged. And what do we women do when we're like that? Eat. It's shameful, I know. But it's the complete truth.
So here I am in Costa Rica. I brought all my smaller clothes with me, in the hopes of getting the weight off and wear them. Has it happened yet? Honestly, no. I'm not even close. Reality is, I've gained 10 lbs. It hurts admitting that. I'm at a size I swore to myself I would never be again. Sigh.
For me losing weight is a battle. A hard one at that. There are a lot of lies I have to face with being this size. One of them is You're not worth it. So, what have I been doing with it? Fighting back!!! Lies. That's all they are. They do not define me!!! This is a battle I'm going to win!! BUT it won't be alone.
I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength. Phil 3:14
I have a different motive for loosing weight this time. I confess when I was 28, my motive for losing weight was mostly to look good and feel healthier, which aren't horrible motives. This time it's about breaking and conquering the stronghold food has on my life and a lot of the lies the enemy associates with my weight and how I see myself.
A book that I'm reading (this is the 3rd time I've started it, but have never finished) is Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst. In the book, Lysa writes about her own struggle with food and how she fought the lies, how God changed her outlook and helped her get healthy. That's the kind of encouragement that I need.
But more than that, I need to be mindful that the power of God that awaits me and how I need to call on Him. Even if I have to call out to Him numerous times within 5 minutes....I can!! Because I am a daughter of the Most High and He desires me to be victorious in every area of my life!!!!
Let the journey begin and the battle be conquered..........
