Gem Discovery

One of the things that can be challenging living in city of a few million people is that there are no green, wide open spaces.  I knew it would be a challenge.

I have many missionary friends and love looking at their pictures.  It keeps be somewhat connected to their lives and I can live their adventures with them.  Many live outside of a city somewhere and surrounded with beautiful, flowing greenness.  Some have yards with trees.  Can I admit this has been a bit of a struggle for me?  I don't want to be jealous of their surroundings.  But I admit, it's been hard not being jealous.  I'm happy for them, but my selfishness for the comfort of some resemblance of nature, creates in me a want for what they have. 

For weeks, I've been praying that God would give me a place of refuge in the midst of this city.  A place where there's some beauty of creation.  A place where the city noises seem to fade.  I can breathe, melt and be renewed.  

Yesterday morning, (since the church I was going to was in the evening) I went on a drive not too far from my apartment.  I knew there was some kind of park nearby and wanted to check it out.  

This was the bridge at was part of what I thought was the park and what actually was a board walk.  It was quite lovely and as I walked over it, I felt myself relaxing.  (I tried not to breath in too heavily since the water smelled.)  I sat for only a moment and decided to keep walking to see what it all looked like.

The view from the bridge

There were several small parks and sitting areas along the boardwalk. 

This ended up being a really good find and a blessing.  It's not necessarily wide open spaces, but it is definitely lovely and I'm thankful for it.  I believe God answered my prayer and helped me discover a gem in the midst of the city.  

  

After midnight ramblings

It's well after midnight and I can't seem to sleep.  The night is mostly quiet, with the exception of some guy in the park sawing a pipe.  Not sure why his work is so pressing at this hour, but maybe it's the night guard and he needs some work to keep him awake.  Who knows.  

I lay in bed looking out my window, wishing the city sky was dark enough that I could see stars.  But alas, it's not.  I miss stars.  

Skies full of stars has to be one of my favorite things.  Many a night throughout my life, I've spent star gazing.  My favorite skies have been when I was in Africa.  I've never seen so many stars in my life before going there and I haven't seen as many since.  

Africa holds a special place in my heart.  And it's funny years before going there, I never would have wanted to go.  But after being there, I have a love for that place that won't go away and it makes my heart smile.  

It's the beauty of the land.  The unique trees.  Red, dusty soil.  Colorful flowers.  The people.  Yes, definitely the people!!!

God melded my heart with so many dear ones there.  I cherished the fellowship we had and the friendship we still share.  

So many memories.  Laughs.  Tears.  Handshakes.  Hugs.  Smiles.  Singing! 

Learning about ministry.  Being stretched.  Growing deeper in Christ.  Praying Psalm 25:4-5 over and over again.

My life there was only for a brief season over 10 years ago. 

Now, here I am in another season of life in another country.   

I'm looking forward to making memories.  Learning to love a new place and the people.  Already, God is melding my heart to some here.

I have so many things to learn about ministry.  I know I will be stretched.  I want to continue to grow deeper in Christ.  Again, I find myself praying Psalm 25:4-5

Show me your ways, Lord, teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. 

Ah, the lovely sounds of a.....chainsaw?

I live in Guayaquil, Ecuador.  It's a big city.  It can measure up to most cities in the States, but still has it's distinct differences since it's in a different country. 

Have I ever mentioned I'm not a city girl?  Well, I'm not.  Far from it, actually.  But where God plants me, there I'll be and be content because He is in control and has a plan.

Thankfully, the location of my apartment is not centrally located, but there are houses all around me.  I don't noticed city noises during the day.  It can sometimes be quiet.  I can hear the wind.  Birds chirping. Dogs barking.  And for a few days, I've been hearing a rooster crowing from somewhere in the neighborhood. 

Sometimes at night, I can hear the sounds from the highway, that's not too far off.  The airport isn't far away, so I can hear planes as they fly over head.  Last night, I watched at least 3 fly off into the sky.  

Yesterday afternoon, I was pleasantly surprise to hear a sound I know very well.  Growing up in the country of PA, it's a sound I heard quite a lot, especially in the fall of the year.  A chainsaw.

It's kind of funny how comforting hearing a chainsaw was yesterday.  I never thought a chainsaw could have a soothing affect on me, but it was lovely to hear.  I know, it's so strange.  But it's a sound I very rarely hear anymore, so maybe that's why.

There's a small park across the street from my apartment and a company of men are trimming the trees.  They worked for a few hours yesterday afternoon and around 9am this morning were back to tackle another big tree.  

Hearing them at 9am, running a chainsaw at full speed, would probably being annoying to most.  But, I was delighted to hear that blessed sound once more.  

Unsettled

Silent.  That is how my thoughts on paper seem to be.  There have been so many times I thought I should blog, just because it has been awhile, but nothing comes to mind.  Even now, I'm not entirely sure what words I'm going to write or even if it'll make sense.  But let's see where I end up, shall we?

If you were to ask me right now, "How do you feel?", I'd probably say "unsettled" and"I could really go for some peanut butter."  

Wanting peanut butter just came over me about 1/2 hour ago and I really should stop thinking about it, so my want of it doesn't increase.  

My "unsettled" feeling isn't because I'm not content.  I am content.  I'm in the center of God's will.  

I'm unsettled because I'm not in my 'home' yet.  

Four weeks from yesterday (Sept. 9), I moved to Ecuador.  I will call this country "home" for nearly the next two years....and more if God sees fit.  I have yet to unpack my bags.  I'm still living out of suitcases.  I'm in my 3rd temporary resident, which is a hotel room.  I've been here for a week and will be here for a few more days.  

I'm ready to settle in my apartment.  I do have one.  I'm not just able to move in yet.  Soon though.

Earlier today I was thinking about the unsettled feeling that I'm having and wondered if that's how God desires us to live here on earth.  As a follower of Christ, this place isn't to be permanent. 

I wonder if there should always be lingering thoughts of being unsettled and homesickness for my heavenly home.  Thoughts that keep me focused on the mission Christ has given me to love others and show them the Gospel.  To be reminded in the storms of life that this is just temporary and all I have to do is ride out the waves until I go to be with Jesus.

I don't want to hold too closely to the places I call home.  Or become too comfortable with this life.  Because it will fade away some day.  

But the glorious thing is, it will fade away.  All the worries.  All the concerns.  Heartache.  Pain.  Poverty.  Pride.  Loneliness.  

It will all fade and restoration will be claimed.  

All things will be made new.  

Living in the fullness of the Glory of Father God will be attainable.  

And joy unspeakable will linger for all eternity.  

To be focused on these things is what I need to be reminded of.  I want to live a life unsettled.

So friend, be unsettled.  Follow Christ and dare to live an uncomfortable life on earth.  

One of those days....

Today is one of those days.

One where I find myself disappointing a teacher because of my decision not to take the huge final exam for certification in Spanish.  My reason is I don't need the certification for my ministry, so why put myself through such stress.   But I confess in a moment, I realized how much of a people pleaser I can be and thought about taking it just for my teacher and I felt guilt because I'm not taking it.  

One where I miss my beautiful green purse I gave to my cousin Carrie.  It's been 11 months and not one thought has given towards it until today.  And I find myself grieving it.  

just a note:  For those of you, who are non-missionaries or have never lived in a foreign country for a lengthy time period, may think it strange to grieve a purse.  Actually, grief can be experienced over a lot of things.  Yesterday it was sweet pickles.  So strange, I know.  This is something you cannot understand until you've experienced it yourself, so please don't be quick to judge.  

One where I just want to drive a car and sing to the radio.

One where I don't want to study one word of Spanish.  

One where I miss my best friend and just want to sit at the piano at church and chat with her. And while we're there, sing a song or two.  I miss her harmony.  

One where I want to sit on my front porch in PA and the only sound be the wind chimes and not the traffic that zooms past my apartment in CR all the live long day.

Yeah, one of those days.....

Please don't think "poor you".  I'll be okay. I was made to persevere. Just sharing that these days do happen in the life of a missionary. These are not the type of days that are ever shared in newsletters, because doing so would disappoint many that have the illusion that missionaries walk on water. The only water I can walk on is when it's frozen and that's not always safe.  

So what do I do on days like these?  Ah, that's the important question.  Well, if I need to cry, I cry and not feel any shame in that.   Because my Heavenly Father knows and cares about each tear and the heart that sheds them.  I rest in His embrace, because He loves me and He's the one who's called me to be a missionary.  He understands that there will be things I miss - my family, friends, my house in PA, driving, seeing a sky full of stars, Natural Jiff peanut butter and sweet pickles.  

He knows that my tears are for a moment.  He knows I'm not giving up on the call. He knows I'm not going to irrationally pack up bags, say 'adiós' and forget about this life.  Are you kidding?  I wouldn't trade this life!!  Living as a missionary has been my dream since I was 4. Missions is what my heart beats for.  

I'm so incredibly thankful that I can serve God on foreign soil!!  

I'm thankful for my senders that make sacrifices and pour their finances into my ministry so I can live this life. 

I'm thankful for being able to experience different cultures and continually learning Spanish. (Lord willing, one day I will be fluent!!). 

I'm thankful for the ministry God's been preparing me for in Ecuador and that in 10 weeks from today I can finally be a part of it!!  

I'm beyond thankful for the amazing and hard lessons God's been and is teaching me!!!  

And believe it or not, I'm thankful for days like today.  These days keep me grounded and give me a little extra Abba Father time.

I'm blessed!! 

So, today I will study a bit of Spanish...because I do have a grammar test on Friday.  :)  

I will definitely rest in the arms of the Father, enjoying His blessings.  

I will go to bed early, which I am excited about.   

And Lord willing tomorrow will come, where all His mercies will be made new.    

Being Real

It's been two months since my last blog about pursing health.  You would think that I would have made a lot of ground since then, but it's been a struggle.  It seems like with each step I make in the right direction, the enemy attacks.  I'm left feeling discouraged and less of a conqueror.  

I'm not really sure how put in all in words.  Sometimes, I feel so alone in this.  I feel like I'm the only one who struggles with these kinds of things.  It's like everyone has it all together and then there's me.  It makes me want to hide.

How can a Jesus loving girl feel this way?    

I think the struggle is way deeper than me being self-conscious in how I look.  It's a heart issue.  Addressing all the lies that I believed as truth for far too long.  

Something unique, really hard and yet beautiful has been happening during my time in Costa Rica.  God has been and is still doing a work in my heart.  Striping me down of everything that isn't of Him.  Making it impossible for me not to face the lies.  He's cleansing me.  

He's given me some sweet friends who have spurred me on to shed cleansing tears, to get it all out.  They've listened and prayed for me on this journey.  

Just the other night, I was with these 3 sweet ladies.  We had a time of tea and shared prayer concerns.  While I wasn't sure what I was going to share, the Holy Spirit prodded and I just started talking......

I hate the way I see myself.  I'm so sick of seeing myself as fat.  I don't see myself as beautiful.  I want to see myself as God does, but I don't.  I feel like such a failure.  

With each word, tears were shed.  This is going to sound weird, but the tears felt like different kind of tears.  I'm not even sure how to describe it...just take my word on it.  

It's quite possible that I have masked my struggle, thinking I dealt with it and never really did.  And I'm not talking about not exercising or not eating the right foods.  Those are a result of the heart struggle.  

But the other night, I was finally able to voice it to others.  I wasn't judged for my struggle.  I wasn't told "get it together, girl!"  Instead I was met with love and I heard "well done".  

 

I'm not sharing this to get a "pat on the back".  I just want to be real.  I know God is at work and is doing something right now that will forever change me.  Praise Him for it! 

Since the other night, I keep wondering why I didn't do this sooner.  I guess in a way, "bearing it all" isn't something that's encouraged in my culture.  To show struggle is to display weakness.  In my culture, struggles are masked and people (we) pretend to be strong, when really we really do want to bear it all, but don't want to be judged for it.  

To struggle is to be human.  And it is true: to show struggle is to display weakness.  But weakness makes us real people.  In our weakness that's where God's finest work is done.  

The Heavenly Father doesn't want us to be weighed down by our struggles.  We need to be willing to take off the mask and face them, otherwise we will never really be able to be changed, go deeper and move forward.  

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily hinders our progress.  And let us run with endurance the race that God has set before us.  Hebrews 12:1

A bit of N. America & my new Normal

Today I returned from a weekend Women's conference.  The key-note speaker was wonderful.  She shared the story of Naomi and Ruth and the work God did in their lives.  The first 74 verses of Ruth is about loss, but the last 74 work of the book is about God redeemed the loss and worked in a great way in their lives for His Glory.  And she tied in how God is doing a brand-new work in each of our lives.  I enjoyed her personal stories and wished that I would have been able to hear her entire testimony of God's grace and work in her life.  Also, I was able to meet some new women and hear how God is at work in their lives.  And spend some time with friends form the language school.  

The strange thing for me is the church where the conference was held.  The church structure itself was very North American in every way.  It was huge!  A huge steeple.  Clean, crisp structure. Carpeting in the sanctuary. (I have forgotten how soft carpet can be!!!)  Huge foyer. A second level.  Amazing multi-media system..etc.  You would think that I would have loved this taste of my home culture.  I didn't.  It was oh, so very strange and kind of uncomfortable ....a bit of a culture shock.  

  

Then this morning, walking into that church for service, I was handed something I haven't seen in almost 9 months that was a bit odd for me - a bulletin.  Really?  Why?  

To be honest, there were an array of questions and comments that came to me, but I'm not going to mention any.  I think they would be misunderstood by people back in the States and only understood by missionaries or others living in a different culture.  

The North American culture is no longer normal for me.  And I can't help but think how strange it'll be when I return there in August for 3 weeks.  

For the first time in almost 9 months, I'm actually seeing how normal my life here has become.  It's normal for me to double unlock 3 doors to get to the street in front of my house.  Seeing bars on windows and doors.  Seeing gates with razor wire strung overtop of them.  Gringo traps (basically holes - sewers w/ no bars overtop, random holes in the sidewalk, huge potholes, etc. - which would be considered a major hazard in the US).  Listening to the huevos (eggs) man, as he drives up streets selling eggs. Warm weather (when it dips to about 75, I'm kind of cold).  Hearing Spanish, even if I still don't understand every word.

Latino culture is my new normal and will be normal for the next few years.        

Don't Want to be a Slave

'I am allowed to do all things', but not all things are good for me to do. 'I am allowed to do all things', but will not let anything make me it's slave.  1 Corinthians 6:12 NCV

This verse is on my fridge.  Truth be told, it's been on there for several months with the purpose of reading it every time I go into the kitchen.  Sadly, I haven't been faithful at this.  But when I have read it, I have prayed, God, break the control food has over my life.  

It's shameful that I've let food become a god in my life.  Far too often, I have fled to food to be my savior. 

Having an emotional day. Food, be my comfort.  

Today's has been a hard day. Food, take away the pain.  

What a great day it's been!  Food, celebrate with me.

In all those moments, I have sinned and become a slave.  The evidence of my sin cannot be hidden.  You want to know what's so deeply sad?  I didn't confront this issue with food as sin until this past year.  But since I have been confronting it, a little more of the control that food has on my life is being broken.  I still have a ways to go, but I am making steps in a more holy direction.  

I making attempts to be more aware of what I'm eating and why I am eating.  And foods that are a real temptation for me, I have removed.  I love sugar!  But I know me.  I just can't eat one cookie or piece of cake and have the remainder somewhere in my house.  I know it'll call my name and nag until I cave.  Right now, I am not strong enough to say 'no'.  So for now, I'm not eating sugar or drinking soda.  I have to remind myself, that doing this not meant to be torture.  It's for my good.  

I don't want to be enslaved anymore.  I'm on my way to being free. 

Pursing Health & the need to Claim Victory

One of my biggest struggles in life has to do with food.  I'm not sure writing about this tonight is necessarily a good idea.  I desire good health and I just took a cake out of the oven.  Granted, I'm giving a lot of it away to friends, but most likely will eat a couple pieces of it.  

I've decided to blog about this struggle because I know this is something a lot of women struggle with.  But also a way for me to be honest with myself and to tell my journey.  

I grew up as a pudgy girl.  That carried through high school, college and most of my 20's.  I did not have a good image of myself and felt that others defined me based on my weight.  After college, I lost a bit of weight over the years, but struggled to get to a healthy weight.  When I was 28, I joined Weight Watchers (WW) and lost a bunch of weight.  When I finally got down to a healthy weight (in combination with what I lost before WW) I lost nearly 100 lbs.  I was so excited!!  I was in clothes that I never thought I'd wear. I could go into a store, hold up a shirt and think "yup, that'll fit" and not try it on until I got home.  I felt on top of the world.  

I kept the weight off for a few years, then one summer I developed this strange "I deserve it" or "it won't hurt" attitude and ate things I didn't eat much while I was losing the weight.  Well, I'm guessing you can imagine what happened.  Yup, I gained weight.  I slowly gained 20 lbs and of course, as the nature of the beast goes, was discouraged with every pound I gained and turned to food. So, why on earth why didn't I try to get it off instead?  Well......

Here's the thing.  When I lost all the weight, yeah I felt great and liked smaller clothes.  I saw the size I was wearing and knew the number was a lot smaller than what I had been wearing all my life.  BUT when I looked in the mirror, I couldn't see the change.  I still felt pudgy....even though I wasn't.  Figure that one out?  I don't get it either.  

I didn't realize that I was smaller until I gained the 20 lbs and looked at my smaller clothes. I would hold up a shirt or pants and think "I fit into that!"  

For almost 3 years I've struggled to get the weight off.  I've struggled, because I've felt like a failure and have been so discouraged.  And what do we women do when we're like that?  Eat.  It's shameful, I know.  But it's the complete truth.  

So here I am in Costa Rica.  I brought all my smaller clothes with me, in the hopes of getting the weight off and wear them.  Has it happened yet?  Honestly, no.  I'm not even close.  Reality is, I've gained 10 lbs.  It hurts admitting that.  I'm at a size I swore to myself I would never be again.  Sigh.  

For me losing weight is a battle.  A hard one at that.  There are a lot of lies I have to face with being this size.  One of them is You're not worth it.  So, what have I been doing with it?  Fighting back!!!  Lies. That's all they are.  They do not define me!!!  This is a battle I'm going to win!!  BUT it won't be alone.  

I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength.  Phil 3:14

I have a different motive for loosing weight this time.  I confess when I was 28, my motive for  losing weight was mostly to look good and feel healthier, which aren't horrible motives.   This time it's about breaking and conquering the stronghold food has on my life and a lot of the lies the enemy associates with my weight and how I see myself.  

A book that I'm reading (this is the 3rd time I've started it, but have never finished) is Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst.  In the book, Lysa writes about her own struggle with food and how she fought the lies, how God changed her outlook and helped her get healthy.  That's the kind of encouragement that I need.  

But more than that, I need to be mindful that the power of God that awaits me and how I need to call on Him.  Even if I have to call out to Him numerous times within 5 minutes....I can!!  Because I am a daughter of the Most High and He desires me to be victorious in every area of my life!!!!  

Let the journey begin and the battle be conquered..........

'Bucket List' Scratch off

The past month I was able to knock 2 things off my bucket list!!  One I did and didn't realize until a week later and the other was planned.  

The school took two trips that I was very thankful to go on.  I love getting out of the city!!

One of the trips was to Poas Volcano, an active stratovolcano.  Here, I checked off "seeing an active volcano". (This was the item I checked off without realization.)

We left early to arrive with time to see the volcano before the clouds covered.  The view was quite spectacular!! 

The view to the left of the volcano.  The clouds were just starting to move in.

The view to the right.

Last weekend's trip took us into the mountains.  It rained the majority of the day.  It didn't dampen my spirits one bit.  The rain smelled wonderful!!  Where one of my activities was zip lining. 

I've never gone zip lining before. Unless you count the 10ft line that us neighborhood kids attached to trees in someone yard 'back in the day'.  It's amazing none of us hurt ourselves on it - climbing a pallet to get to the rope and flinging ourselves down the line into a tree.  Yeah, I don't think that counts at all as zip lining.

When I knew that I was coming to Costa Rica for language school, I added 'zip lining in Costa Rica' to my list.  

The zip lining adventure took us on 9 lines (it would have been 12, but I was also horse-back riding that day....a tale for another day) through the jungle canopy.....in the aforementioned rain.....which we were told makes you go faster on the lines.  I wasn't really scared, perhaps a bit nervous, but I was ready to go. 

Once I landed on the first platform after the first line, I admit I was a bit shaky, but smiling!  I can't quite put this whole experience into words.  There's nothing quite like soaring over the jungle canopy.  I do admit, on one of the lines I did some praying....out loud. 

You see, I was sent off a little too early and was headed for a platform that my friend, Krista, just arrived on and she wasn't even unhooked yet....and I was nearly there.  So, I did what seemed rational, slowed down to stop just at the platform and not hit her.  Well, the thing is, I stopped too short.....like 4 or 5 feet short.  A second of panic rushed over me, "What do I do?" So, I had to pull myself to the platform, praying....because I am afraid of heights.  (I know can you believe it? I'm zip lining in the canopy and am afraid of heights.  Something doesn't seem right with that.  *shrug shoulders* But I wasn't afraid while flying down the lines.)     

The final line was the longest and THE BEST of them all!!  It was incredible zipping over a raging river below, coming out of the jungle into the 'wide open world', while feeling rain beating down on you. 

About half-way through the line. 

  getting closer towards the end

So, would I go again if I had the chance?  Absolutely!!!  

A Bit of My Heart

Life lately has been overwhelming.  I attribute most of that do my brain rejecting the language I really want to love.  I want to learn and speak Spanish well, but oh, how I struggle.  

I've been in Costa Rica for 6 months and 6 days.  I can hardly wrap my mind around that.  What blows my mind even more is knowing that in less than 5 1/2 months I will be done with language school.  And in 6 months I'll be in Ecuador.  

Ecuador.  Although I pray for the ministry in Ecuador every day, I have a hard time picturing myself there.  It's kind of painful for me to admit this, but I haven't been excited about living in Guayaquil.  Not exactly sure why, but that's the truth.  Please don't understand that to mean I haven't wanted to go.  I have.  I've been content in knowing I am going to Guayaquil because it is apart of God's plan.  Content.  Not necessarily excited......

Until this week.

My dear friends and fellow missionaries to Guayaquil, arrived on the field this past Monday evening.  On one of their days searching for housing, they were taken to the new community where we're going to help plant a church and saw lots of children running around.  

Seeing children running around can bring a smile to anyone's face.  But me just hearing about this through email, brought a huge smile to my heart and instant joy. The image of kids running around this community has been cemented in my mind for days.  

And today I can honestly say, I can't wait to get to Ecuador to see the faces of those children.  To see their smiles and bright brown eyes.  To hear them laugh and yes, even cry.  I can't wait to hug and love on them.  To sit with them and tell them stories.   

It makes my heart ache a bit knowing that I have to wait to see these kids.  But it's a good kind of ache.  It's one that reminds me of God's purpose for my life.  It'll definitely be a drive on the hard Spanish days, because it's important they these kids hear about Jesus' love in their heart language.   They are why I need to learn Spanish.  

Jesus loves those children so much.  And He's placing within me a love for them as well.  Children I don't even know.  But I think that's what makes God so beautifully mysterious.  

In Matthew 19:14 Jesus said, "Let the children come to me.  Don't stop them!  For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these."  

Those very words echo in my heart.  

God, let the children come to me.  I want to share Your love with them. 

Life. Truth. God and Ugly self.

I feel like a bit of a slacker.  Here it is February and I haven't blogged once since 2013 started.  My life seems to becoming a bit of a blur lately.  About a month ago, I began my second trimester at language school.  Can't believe that's possible!  With each passing day, I'm reminded how far I've come, and yet how little I seem to know.  It continues to be a day to day journey, because Lord knows I can't even face tomorrow until I get through this one.  This day has enough challenges of it's own.  I need to ride this day out before I even think of saddling up for tomorrow.  

The past week has been a roller coster of a week.  By Thursday last week, I was done in mentally.  Not good because I had a test Friday.  Friday was pretty much awful.  I had nothing left in my tank.  It was on the pure strength of the Lord that I made it through the day.  I had plans all weekend, so getting recharged was going to be difficult.   Even though Sunday was a church paseo away in the mountains, which did provide some relaxation, it was just a long, long day (13 hours).  

Monday I wasn't feeling well, so I missed out on school and spent the morning in bed.  It turned out to be a bit of a relaxing and productive day, working on some assignments for my language class.  

Then Tuesday came.  Oh. my.  What. a. day.  

Grammar class.  I honestly don't think my teacher was speaking any known language.  I felt so completely lost.  I sat there, praying that I would just make it through class without crying. Then my teacher asked me for an example using the word 'bag'.   Oh yeah, panic arose.  In a instant any spanish words I knew were gone.  Completely gone.  I chewed on my nail, just trying to think of a verb.  Any verb.  Finally something came to me and was able to make a sentence.  I survived that moment and again, tried not to cry and prayed with every fiber that class would end.  It did.  And I wanted to flee.  Anywhere.  Anywhere but here.  Instead, I chose to go to chapel.  

I sat towards the back, which I normally don't do.  If I was going to be there, I needed to fade into the back.  (fading is not my speciality though - it's hard for a gal close to 6 ft., but I tried my best.) 

There in those first few moments was a song out of scripture and one of my favorite verses, Zephaniah 3:17 .  In an instant, my soul was pierced and was being penetrated with truth.  

I love you, child.  Let me sing over you.  

Tears flowed.  I could not sing.  Only listen to the truth flowing from the music.  The people around me faded.....and it was just me and Jesus.   

Hosanna, in the Highest.  

God used chapel to fuel my soul and He carried me through the remainder of that day.  He carried me over the wall.  Thank you, God!   He knew I needed Him.  I knew I couldn't do it without Him.  

In the midst of being carried, God confronted me about some things.  He's such a good and loving Father.  

Why on earth do I try to do things on my own?  I mean, really, why do I?  I know how things turn out when I try to run on my own strength.  I'm completely depleted and of no good to no one.  But Jesus still wants to use me.....

Why do I worry and try to figure things out?  I know who I become when this happens.  I freak out a bit, cry.  Freak out some more.  Cry out, 'God I don't understand'!    Yet, God still wants to use me......

Hmm.  

How much easier would it be if I didn't run on my own strength, stopped worrying and trying to figure things out and simply rest more in Him?   That would definitely be a much better and lighter life.  

The amazing thing is in spite of me and my weakness, God still wants to use me.  And continually shows me, how much I need Him and need to be transformed by His Hand.  

More of God.  Oh yes!!!  More. of. God!!!!   less of me.  

God......I'm desperate for you!!