I feel like a bit of a slacker. Here it is February and I haven't blogged once since 2013 started. My life seems to becoming a bit of a blur lately. About a month ago, I began my second trimester at language school. Can't believe that's possible! With each passing day, I'm reminded how far I've come, and yet how little I seem to know. It continues to be a day to day journey, because Lord knows I can't even face tomorrow until I get through this one. This day has enough challenges of it's own. I need to ride this day out before I even think of saddling up for tomorrow.
The past week has been a roller coster of a week. By Thursday last week, I was done in mentally. Not good because I had a test Friday. Friday was pretty much awful. I had nothing left in my tank. It was on the pure strength of the Lord that I made it through the day. I had plans all weekend, so getting recharged was going to be difficult. Even though Sunday was a church paseo away in the mountains, which did provide some relaxation, it was just a long, long day (13 hours).
Monday I wasn't feeling well, so I missed out on school and spent the morning in bed. It turned out to be a bit of a relaxing and productive day, working on some assignments for my language class.
Then Tuesday came. Oh. my. What. a. day.
Grammar class. I honestly don't think my teacher was speaking any known language. I felt so completely lost. I sat there, praying that I would just make it through class without crying. Then my teacher asked me for an example using the word 'bag'. Oh yeah, panic arose. In a instant any spanish words I knew were gone. Completely gone. I chewed on my nail, just trying to think of a verb. Any verb. Finally something came to me and was able to make a sentence. I survived that moment and again, tried not to cry and prayed with every fiber that class would end. It did. And I wanted to flee. Anywhere. Anywhere but here. Instead, I chose to go to chapel.
I sat towards the back, which I normally don't do. If I was going to be there, I needed to fade into the back. (fading is not my speciality though - it's hard for a gal close to 6 ft., but I tried my best.)
There in those first few moments was a song out of scripture and one of my favorite verses, Zephaniah 3:17 . In an instant, my soul was pierced and was being penetrated with truth.
I love you, child. Let me sing over you.
Tears flowed. I could not sing. Only listen to the truth flowing from the music. The people around me faded.....and it was just me and Jesus.
Hosanna, in the Highest.
God used chapel to fuel my soul and He carried me through the remainder of that day. He carried me over the wall. Thank you, God! He knew I needed Him. I knew I couldn't do it without Him.
In the midst of being carried, God confronted me about some things. He's such a good and loving Father.
Why on earth do I try to do things on my own? I mean, really, why do I? I know how things turn out when I try to run on my own strength. I'm completely depleted and of no good to no one. But Jesus still wants to use me.....
Why do I worry and try to figure things out? I know who I become when this happens. I freak out a bit, cry. Freak out some more. Cry out, 'God I don't understand'! Yet, God still wants to use me......
Hmm.
How much easier would it be if I didn't run on my own strength, stopped worrying and trying to figure things out and simply rest more in Him? That would definitely be a much better and lighter life.
The amazing thing is in spite of me and my weakness, God still wants to use me. And continually shows me, how much I need Him and need to be transformed by His Hand.
More of God. Oh yes!!! More. of. God!!!! less of me.
God......I'm desperate for you!!
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