Being Real

It's been two months since my last blog about pursing health.  You would think that I would have made a lot of ground since then, but it's been a struggle.  It seems like with each step I make in the right direction, the enemy attacks.  I'm left feeling discouraged and less of a conqueror.  

I'm not really sure how put in all in words.  Sometimes, I feel so alone in this.  I feel like I'm the only one who struggles with these kinds of things.  It's like everyone has it all together and then there's me.  It makes me want to hide.

How can a Jesus loving girl feel this way?    

I think the struggle is way deeper than me being self-conscious in how I look.  It's a heart issue.  Addressing all the lies that I believed as truth for far too long.  

Something unique, really hard and yet beautiful has been happening during my time in Costa Rica.  God has been and is still doing a work in my heart.  Striping me down of everything that isn't of Him.  Making it impossible for me not to face the lies.  He's cleansing me.  

He's given me some sweet friends who have spurred me on to shed cleansing tears, to get it all out.  They've listened and prayed for me on this journey.  

Just the other night, I was with these 3 sweet ladies.  We had a time of tea and shared prayer concerns.  While I wasn't sure what I was going to share, the Holy Spirit prodded and I just started talking......

I hate the way I see myself.  I'm so sick of seeing myself as fat.  I don't see myself as beautiful.  I want to see myself as God does, but I don't.  I feel like such a failure.  

With each word, tears were shed.  This is going to sound weird, but the tears felt like different kind of tears.  I'm not even sure how to describe it...just take my word on it.  

It's quite possible that I have masked my struggle, thinking I dealt with it and never really did.  And I'm not talking about not exercising or not eating the right foods.  Those are a result of the heart struggle.  

But the other night, I was finally able to voice it to others.  I wasn't judged for my struggle.  I wasn't told "get it together, girl!"  Instead I was met with love and I heard "well done".  

 

I'm not sharing this to get a "pat on the back".  I just want to be real.  I know God is at work and is doing something right now that will forever change me.  Praise Him for it! 

Since the other night, I keep wondering why I didn't do this sooner.  I guess in a way, "bearing it all" isn't something that's encouraged in my culture.  To show struggle is to display weakness.  In my culture, struggles are masked and people (we) pretend to be strong, when really we really do want to bear it all, but don't want to be judged for it.  

To struggle is to be human.  And it is true: to show struggle is to display weakness.  But weakness makes us real people.  In our weakness that's where God's finest work is done.  

The Heavenly Father doesn't want us to be weighed down by our struggles.  We need to be willing to take off the mask and face them, otherwise we will never really be able to be changed, go deeper and move forward.  

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily hinders our progress.  And let us run with endurance the race that God has set before us.  Hebrews 12:1